Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either.  Just **** off and leave me alone.

 

 

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. 

Sex is like air. It only becomes important when you aren't getting any.

The darkest hours come before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbours milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it. 

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give him a rod and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Remember that no one is listening until you fart.

Remember that you are unique - like everyone else.

Never test the depth of water with two feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you are a mile away and you've got their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed...avoid skydiving.

Have you ever lent someone money and never seen them again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies, some days we are the windscreens.

Don't worry - it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your wallet.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories of how to win an argument with a women.  Neither works.

Generally speaking you aren't learning much when your lips are working.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We come into this world wet, hungry, naked and are received with a slap on the bum. From then on life's downhill all the way.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we haven't laughed.

And finally...remember not to forget that which you need not know.

Submitted by Phil