'I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall."'

Eleanor Roosevelt (wife of Franklin Roosevelt, 32nd President of the US)

'Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter,39th President of the US)

'Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement.'
Mark Twain (US novelist and humourist)

'The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.'
George Burns (US Comedian)

'Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.'
Victor Borge (Danish humourist and musician)

'Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain (US novelist and humourist)

'By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.'
Socrates (Greek Philospher)

'I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.'
Groucho Marx (US comedian)

'My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she
stops to breathe.'
Jimmy Durante (US comedian)

'I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.'
Zsa Zsa Gabor (9xmarried actress and socialite)

'Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.'
Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield (US novelist and humourist)

'Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.'                                                                                         Spike Milligan (British comedian and author)

'Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.'                                  Joe Namath (US former football star)

'I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap.'
Bob Hope (US comedian)

'I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.'
W. C. Fields (US comedian, actor, juggler)

'Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.'
Winston Churchill (British Prime Minister)

'Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. but everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.'
Phyllis Diller (pioneering US female comedian)

'By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.'  Billy Crystal (US actor, writer, producer, comedian)