A man has two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final.  As he sits down another guy comes along.

'Anyone sitting there?' he asks.

'No,' the man says, 'It's free.

'Incredible!' exclaims the other guy. 'Who in their right mind would buy a prime seat at the Final - the biggest sporting  event of the year -  and not use it?'

'Actually, the seat belongs to me.  It would have been occupied by my dear wife if she hadn't tragically passed away. This is the first time I've been to a Final without her since we got married.'

'Goodness, that's really sad,' the guy says sympathetically. 'Wasn't there anyone else you could give the seat to?  A friend or relative, perhaps? Even a neighbour?'

The man shook his head forlornly. 'Unfortunately not,' he sighed. 'They're all at the funeral.' 

 

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the  UK should no longer be referred to as 'British Weather'. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'. In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

 

 

 

He said, 'I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it'.
She said, 'You wear pants don't you?'

He said, 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'
She said, 'That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said, 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?'
She said, 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror.'

He said, 'Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She said, 'I would but you're never there.'

He said, 'Why don't women blink during foreplay?'
She said, 'They don't have time.'

He said, 'How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?'
She said, 'I don't know. It has never happened.'

He said, 'Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and handsome?'
She said, 'They already have boyfriends.'

She said, 'What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?'
He said, 'A widow.'

He said, 'Why are married women heavier than single women?'
She said, 'Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.' Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.'