AGONY

I love my boyfriend but I can’t see there being any future for us because he can’t stop looking at porn on the internet. It makes me feel sick, angry and totally inadequate. He says he loves me and fancies me but if this is true why does he need to spend hours drooling over women with fake tans and breast implants?  If he knows it hurts me so much why can’t he just stop?

PJ - Swindon

Straight talking from nonogenerian Marie Rudisill, aunt of writer Truman Capote, also known as the Fruitcake Lady. 

Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.

Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.

Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation whilst drunk.

Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence (n.):  emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

'I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold'.
Gregory, age  5

'Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos any more. I forget why, but scientists are working on it'.
Olive, age 9

'It's not easy to become an angel. First, you die. Then you go to heaven; then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.'
Matthew, age 9

From Mother Theresa in a cinnamon bun to the Virgin Mary on a toasted cheese sandwich - images resembling religious icons are regularly spotted in unlikely places.

Now this fiery figure - photographed in a bonfire in Poland - is being hailed as Pope John Paul II making an appearance from beyond the grave.