Claridge’s recently opened Water Bar has been much in the news recently for it’s wide variety of pricey 'mineral' waters sourced from as far afield as the icebergs of Newfoundland, the volcanoes of New Zealand and the virgin streams of Hawaii, writes Julia Stephenson. 

These waters are more expensive than good wine.  One variety - 420 Volcanic, sourced through 200m of rock - costs £21 for 42cl, which works out at £50 a litre. Who will buy this stuff?  Has the world gone mad?

Fortunately a campaign has been launched to promote London’s tap water.  Inspired by the French water authority’s successful campaign to promote Paris tap water by rechristening it Eau de Paris, Green London Assembly member Jenny Jones hopes to do the same for good old eau de Londres and is encouraging Londoners to ask for tap water in lieu of bottled l'eau. 

'Mineral' water is often nothing of the kind. Sold as health-giving and rich in minerals, it's actually subject to less rigorous testing and purity standards than those that apply to London tap water.  In addition there are growing fears that plastic bottles may leach carcinogenic residues into the water.

Indeed certain plastics do have the ability to release substances which may affect human health, wildlife and the environment.

One major concern is the possible leach of hormone-like substances known as xenoestrogens from plastic bottles into the water they carry. Xenoestrogens act like free radicals and are thought by some doctors to cause damage to the body tissues including the liver, where they have an adverse effect on important detoxification enzymes.  

Another concern is that in the body tissues of both men and females 'over-feminisation' is occurring due to the hormone-mimicking action of these plastic by-products.  Could this be the cause of the alarming rise in 'moobs' (man boobs)? Moobs never existed 10 years ago but these days seem to be flopping about everywhere.

There is also the devastating environmental impact of extracting water from the ground, packaging it and shipping or flying it round the world.  Some 22 million tons of bottled water are transported each year between countries, according to the Earth Policy Institute.

I reckon the water that comes out of my wonderful reverse osmosis filter unit beneath my sink – or Eau de Sloane  as I prefer to call it - is far superior. It’s pure, it's cheap and avoids me having to lug crates of water into my flat.

Meanwhile always looking for ways to increase my housekeeping and inspired by an erstwhile chairman of the board of the Perrier Corporation who once admitted 'It struck me...that all you had to do is take the water out of the ground and then sell it for more than the price of wine, milk, or, for that matter, oil…' I’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon, too. 

So I contacted Claridges and invited them to be the sole exclusive purveyor of Eau de Sloane.  Not only, I explained, does it taste delicious (entre nous it doesn’t taste of much at all, but then it’s only water for heaven’s sake), but it is the world’s first zero-carbon-zero-waste water. There will be no food miles incurred because I’ve lined up Polish Stephan and his team of eastern European Tuk Tuk drivers to deliver (for as long as they can stave off deportation), and packaging will be minimal as I can just use the hordes of discarded bottles that get dumped in my bike basket (people seem to think bike baskets are community bins, if you have a bike basket you’ll know what I mean). 

Claridges said their 'water menu' (!) is quite full at the moment but they’d get back to me soon. Huh.  I’m not holding my breath. 

Luckily I’ve just got a hot new lead.  My pal, United Airlines stewardess Connie, has just started dating a chef at the Aloha! Hilton in Honolulu who is very interested in trying out some Eau de Sloane for his discerning Waikiki beach clientele.

If I buy my Tuc Tuc boys some pedallos we might just have a deal.