AGONY 

My mother died two months ago after a long battle with cancer. Three months before her death my father started seeing a woman, ten years his junior, he’d apparently had a fling with (while married) forty-six years before.

It was she who got in touch with him when a mutual acquaintance told her about my mother's illness. Dad told Mum he'd started seeing her again and I'm convinced this hastened Mum's death. He claims that he and this woman are soul mates and that he's planning to marry her very soon.

I haven't met her but I suspect her of being a gold-digger. She moved down south to be near him when Mum was in hospital dying, and even spent time in their home. How callous can you get? I've always been exceptionally close to my father, but now I'm so angry with him I don't want anything to do with him. I feel like I've lost both parents.

ANSWER

This is an incredibly difficult and unsettling time for you and you have all my sympathy. Sadly, death frequently brings family dissension in its wake because losing a loved one is such a painful and emotional experience. Grief usually triggers anger too, and your father is clearly providing you with a justifiably easy target.

You've always been 'exceptionally close' to your father, so it must now feel as if you're being elbowed out of his affections by this new woman in his life. I'm not defending your father's actions, but caring for someone who is terminally ill over a long period of time can be very stressful and draining – especially for someone of your father's age.  It's possible this woman has provided an escape from the unbearable feelings triggered by watching his life partner suffer and approach her death. Without a doubt he's very vulnerable at the moment (as are you), and is quite possibly in denial. All the more reason to try to keep your relationship intact – especially as you suspect this woman's motives could be dubious.

It would be helpful for you to talk to someone during this difficult period. Cruse offer free bereavement counselling, but their volunteers are not trained to work with issues other than bereavement.  With the current difficulties you're experiencing with your father I would recommend that you contact the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists to find a fully trained counsellor who also works in bereavement.

www.greenlighthealing.co.uk

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