AGONY 

My boyfriend tells me all the time he loves me but I can't trust him.

I look at his text messages when he's in the shower and I read his emails when he goes out. Last week I followed him to his sister's flat to make sure that he really was going there to watch a match. I'm terrified he'll catch me out and dump me. I feel disgusted with myself but I can't seem to stop. I think I might have OCD  (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) because I can't seem to be able to relax until I've done all this checking.

ANSWER

I doubt you're suffering from OCD even though your need to check up on your boyfriend feels compulsive. I don't think your agony is about whether you can or can't trust him either. It's about you – your lack of a self-worth and feelings of insecurity.

If you did discover he was cheating on you, would it confirm a deep-seated suspicion that you're unlovable?  That you're the sort of woman guys always cheat on? Perhaps you've been cheated on or dumped in the past and that's why you're 'terrified' it might happen again.

The checking up is all about your need to seek continuous reassurance that you're a lovable human being – because you don't really believe it yourself. Please take care you don't start acting out what's known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. In your case this would be: I'm convinced my boyfriend's going to dump me so I behave in a way that ensures he does.

Although many of us don't realise it, the most important relationship we have in our lives is with ourselves – and by the sound of it yours isn't doing too well at the moment. Prying and spying on someone who loves you is diminishing your self-esteem.

There's also a danger that your feelings of self-loathing could lead to an unconscious desire to punish yourself by, for example, allowing yourself to get caught in the act of spying.  As it's hard to be comfortable around a partner who doesn't trust you, he probably would end up dumping you – and so the prophecy is self-fulfilled. 

The first thing to do is to stop beating yourself up. Try to feel compassion rather than disgust for yourself. Your spying stems from unhappiness, not from nastiness and has, I'm sure, its foundation in an earlier suffering. Work at developing a life that doesn't revolve around what your boyfriend is or isn't doing, or what he does or doesn't think of you. This will help you gain confidence and self-respect and improve your relationship. 

And if you do find yourself compulsively checking in situations other than the one you've described here, ask your Gp to refer you for a psychological assessment.

Diane Southam 

Greenlight website